Laura Miolla

Saying No is easy. Finding out what you want to say Yes to in your divorce is much more difficult.

Divorce is a traumatic event. It represents the loss of a marriage, a partnership, an ideal and the Disney "happily ever after" that was automatically supposed to come with the wedding ring. Regardless of who initiated the divorce, there is anger, hurt, sadness and confusion. And the divorce process only intensifies those dark feelings. The person you were closest to you in your life is now your enemy. It feels like betrayal. It is a betrayal. Saying no, in that dark place, comes easy. You say no to what your ex wants. You say no to the lawyers. You say no to selling the house. You say no to making any change in your life. It's the safest route... an automatic reflex even. What's the cost of all those no's? Refusing to make changes means refusing to move forward. It means refusing to live your life. It means choosing to stay stuck in a miserable situation. And it means a long, expensive divorce that's unlikely to come out in your favor. Do you really want that?

What would happen if you said yes? What would happen if you focused on what you want... instead of what you don't want? Shifting your perspective to yes in your divorce moves your focus from scarcity to abundance, from loss to empowerment, from anger to hope. Saying yes positions you for positive change and gives your far better results than staying stuck where you are. So, say YES...to:

Stepping Into Your Power

Saying no feels like control, but it's a false sense of security that doesn't get you anywhere. And if it did, it wouldn't be anywhere you wanted to go. Saying no puts all of your energy into thwarting what your ex wants... which really means you are giving his or her desires control over you. So, get centered in you. This is your life. And this is your opportunity to start recreating it in the way that you want. Anything else is a needless distraction that will drain your energy and take you further and further away from what you really want.

Knowing What You Want

You can't say yes until you know what you truly want in your life. So, first you have to reclaim your center — question yourself. Who do I want to be in my life? What do I want to attract into my life? What serves me? What doesn't serve me? And from there, let go of everything that doesn't serve you. Jettison the baggage. Once you set a positive intention around what you want in your life, it is easier to get it. The consequences of not knowing what you want in this process are significant. If you don't know what you want in this divorce negotiation, you can't ask for it or have any hope of walking away with a positive result. So, focus on what you want your life to be once this is all over and start walking in that direction.

Creating The Life You Want

There is always confusion around what comes next. What can come next when everything just came crumbling down? How can anything be built again from this place? It won't. It all starts with you. Imagine your old life as a structure made out of Legos, all smashed and broken. You still have the pieces. Keep the pieces you want. Throw away the ones you don't. It's up to you to decide which ones you want to keep. Visualize what your new structure will look like. And slowly start putting your pieces in place. What you are building will look totally different. And that's OK. This is your structure, your creation, your life. There are no rules. There are no "shoulds."  And it's a work in progress. Let this vision drive your divorce negotiation — this is how you'll get where you want to be.

Never let your circumstances define you. You are not your divorce. And you can only — ever — control yourself. So, own the divorce process. Make it work for you, rather than against you. You can make it less painful, faster and less expensive. Say yes to knowing what you want. Say yes to asking for what you want. Say yes to creating a better life for yourself. Say yes to YOU. You'll never regret it.

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