Laura Miolla

Learn How To Get What You Want In The Tricky Divorce Process

Divorce is many things … a loss of partnership, a legal dissolution of a marriage contract, a transformation … but one thing it is not is easy. As a divorce coach and mediator, I witness far too many women stumble blindly through this process, go to battle or get beaten down as if this were war … and still not get what they want from it. Universally, the baggage women choose to bring with them on this journey includes fear and expectation. And all those fears and expectations create a platform of scarcity. How can you get what you want from that? You can’t. You are sabotaging yourself. You set yourself up for failure right from the get go. And that platform of scarcity will distract you away from what you need most in this process: knowledge, clarity and confidence. So, how do you get those things?

There are 3 key steps to creating a better divorce:

  1. Lead

Divorce is frightening. You are leaving the relative safety of what you know and leaping off a cliff … not knowing how far the drop is or what’s below you. It is literally a leap of faith … and fundamentally a leap of faith in yourself and your ability to create something better. Divorce is an opportunity to step into your power and lead in this process. Only you can decide what you want. Only you can make crucial decisions that will impact the rest of your life. It’s tempting to think that your lawyer will shepherd you through this process and get you what you want. That isn’t their job though. Their job is to give you your legal options and represent your position in court. You still have to make all of the decisions. And the sooner you embrace that opportunity, the better this process will be for you.

  1. Prepare

There are three primary aspects of divorce … the emotional, legal and financial. And all three are connected.  Your emotional state will impact your decisions in the legal process and what you walk away with financially. And the way to move forward with clarity, confidence and courage … and not fear, doubt and anger … is to get prepared. Do your homework. Consult as many attorneys as possible. Interview mediators. Learn about the legal process of divorce. Ask about typical outcomes in cases like yours.  Pull together all of your financial statements and tax returns for the last three years. If you don’t know what documents you need or the steps to take, use my Divorce Toolkit. Knowledge is power! Moving forward from a knowledgeable position gives you the foundation for knowing what you want in this divorce and how you can negotiate for it. AND since time is money in the divorce process, you’ll be getting through your divorce faster and with more money in your pocket, not a lawyer’s!

  1. Be More Attached To The Life You Want Versus The One You’re Leaving Behind

It’s tempting to live in the past, fueled by anger, resentment and betrayed expectations, but it won’t serve you. Why? You aren’t powerful there. You can’t change what happened. What you can change is your perspective of what happened. Your story around the past either makes you the victim or the heroine. One perspective gives you power and the other takes it away. One unlocks the door to your present and future, while the other shackles you to an unfulfilling past. Which do you choose? If you can’t let go of the past in this process, you will stay stuck emotionally, legally and financially. The way to truly succeed in divorce is to choose a powerful perspective now … because every decision you make today, however small or large, creates the future you live in tomorrow. That statement is hugely powerful … if you truly own it. And you have to be able to imagine what you want your future to be. Otherwise, how will you be able to negotiate an agreement that helps you create it? Keep your eyes on the prize and let that imagined future guide you through this process and into the life you’ve always wanted.

Divorce feels like an out of control freight train … but you have more power than you realize to impact your experience and the outcome. It all starts with you and what you are choosing. What you believe about yourself will impact your experience, your decisions and the life you create. So, leave your baggage behind, step into your leadership and trust that you can have what you want.

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